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Caution: Part/s of this article may be fictional.

Interesting Melbourne tips (3) - The thing I love most about Melbourne would have to be the women. Although they are not necessarily more beautiful than the ones in Sydney, yet they are definitely better dressers. From cowboy hats to tight white pants to CFM boots, Melbourne women sure know how to dress to impress.

With a late night and defeat heavy on my shoulders, I didn't bother waking up until 10:30am because I seriously can't see the point of going there just to see people draft. In fact, given my mind frame on that day, it would be a relief to stay away from those stupid cards as long as I can. However, having absolutely nothing else to do in Melbourne and no one to do it with, I dragged my backside to the convention center just in time for PTQ Chicago. In hopes of winning some points and money back, I entered and got my ass kicked 2 matches in a row since [insert excuse here]. Being extremely pissed off by this turn of event I dropped, went to chat with John Avon for a bit and watch a couple of games played by fellow Sydney Magic players.

Out of all the games I saw, I think I enjoyed watching the game between our Sydney Magic prodigy Sam. K versus certain Brainburst writer who frequently writes deck techs that I don't quite agree with. However, since he made second day in GP Melbourne and I didn't it would seem rather envious or even jealous of me to say anything bad about him. Fortunately, Mark Fabian whom you may know from his "I almost top 8" tournament reports on the Paradise was generous enough to let me quote him on the subject. Since I have no problem in making him sound like a sore loser, here are the infamous words of Mark:

*Note - The opinions represented in Mark's statement does not reflect the opinions of MtG Paradise, only most of MtG Paradise's columnists.

"Geurrad Bite (fake name) is a [beep] wanker who makes [beep] decks that only works if you live in desolated locations like Western Australia, where they have a whooping 5 rounds of SWISS for state championship. By the way everyone is trying to avoid him in this GP, you can tell that most people know him for the pathetic low life wretch that he is. And for [beep]'s sake, why is he wearing black all the time? What the [beep] does he thinks he is? A skeletal freak version of Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible?"

After waiting around for what felt like an eternity, Andrew, Bailey and David Conford have finally finished all their games and unfortunately, they got annihilated. Feeling rather depressed and miserable, we have decided that it is time that we should go hit the clubs of Melbourne. Since I haven't eaten all day, I suggest that we should go grab a bite before the festivity but this idea was rejected as both Bailey and David claim that they had a big lunch and didn't feel like eating. So, I went to grab 2 $6 meat pies for dinner while they take a shower and fix themselves up for the big night.

When I return to the hotel to enjoy my pies, Bailey informs me that the lock to his room is broken for some unknown reason and he can't to get in. Assistance from the front desk of the hotel arrived just in time and after examining the lock, the experts come to the mighty conclusion that the lock is stuffed and the only way to get in is to break the lock. To do this, they produce these little chisels that look like toys little kids play when they pretend to be doing wood tech and proceed to bang the door with their tiny chisels. As far as I can tell, they might as well be trying to saw a tree down with a potato peeler. Beginning to get frustrated, David suggests that perhaps we might be able to get in before the next Star Wars movie comes out if he simply kicks the door down. After some deliberations, the experts agreed and the whole thing went something like this:

· David moves away from the door as far as possible to give himself more room for his run.

· David half bends his knees and build up his chi with a look of intense concentration on his face.

· Bailey and the 2 Victoria hotel employees held their breath in anticipation. I take a bite out of my meat pie.

· David's power level bar has finally reached maximum, so he now has enough chi to perform his super deadly finish move. Having spent the better part of my puberty in front of a Street Fighter 2 machine, I immediately recognize David's move as Ryu's super cyclone kick.

· One of the employees began to doubt David's ability and mutter something incoherent. Bailey hushed him with a wave of his hand. I burp from too much pie.

· David roars "Shin-shauyukit!" raced towards the door and slams his foot on the door with all his might.

· "First Attack!" Bailey and the 2 employees gasp collectively while I comment "2 hit combo!" in a somewhat sarcastic manner.

· Despite David's effort, the door held and bounced his ass against the wall. The crowd let out a moan of disappointment. I swore.

He did break the door down with a second kick though... savage.

By the time we'd cleaned up the whole mess and got all the things organized, Bailey's net friends Liz and Lorenzo showed up and since they are locals, we have decided to put our faith in them to choose our final destination for our last night in Melbourne. We hopped in Lorenzo's car and ended up at the Crown Casino, which is 5 minutes away from the Convention Centre that we were just at. In comparison to Star City casino in Sydney, Crown Casino is absolutely huge with food places that don't cost a fortune, nightclubs that aren't packed with men from certain ethnic background and casino tables that does not comprise mostly of an Asian following.

The first stop we made at Crown Casino was at Pizza Head because Liz and Lorenzo haven't had dinner yet. Despite David and Bailey's claims of being full before, they scoop up the chance of refilling their bellies like a pack of ravenous dogs. However, since I am such a merciful and forgiving person, the thoughts of torturing David and Bailey to death or selling them into prostitution in Thailand never crosses my mind as everyone but me enjoys their pizza.

With full stomachs and somewhat improved spirits, Lorenzo took us to this club filled with video arcade machines as our first stop to a night of entertainment. Having spent too much of my youth before these machines, I have actually sworn off the stuff to live a more productive life (it obviously isn't working since I just exchange one addiction for another). Therefore, I was a bit apprehensive about the whole thing at first, but after a couple of drinks my mind is ready for new dimensions of fun. Being the rather cheap drunk that I am, 6 drinks later, I can truly say that I love life, I love dumb ass video games that cost $2.50 a game, I love being absolutely s*it house at pool and getting laughed at by chicks playing 2 tables away. In fact, with so much alcohol in my body, I can even love Ben (in a very non-homosexual manner, not that there is anything wrong with it) when he came staggering in with his big GP cup and gigantic check.

My memory in this part of the story is a bit hazy because all I can remember was taking a leak and walking up the escalators and before I know it, I was in Heat nightclub, which was absolutely packed with teenagers. The music they were playing at the time was what I would refer to as "Top 30" stuff, which I usually scorn as it's a bit too poppy for me. But being caught up in the excitement and the stimulating effects of alcohol, I actually enjoyed the little tunes that I can sing along to and found myself doing the precise dance moves of "The Ketchup song" that I didn't even know I knew. David and Liz were just as excited since they were jumping around with excitement and I remember Bailey craning his neck scrutinizing the club for his potential target. Lorenzo was the only sober one among us since he had to drive home and having been insanely sober at a club before, I pity the guy with all my heart and can fully understand why he wanted to leave early with Liz.

When David, Bailey and I finally decided to leave, the tram services had already expired due to the late hours so we ended up walking. The walk was actually quite nice with a nice breeze and rather cool climate for summer. We also had an enjoyable chat about something I can't quite remember and by the time we got back to the hotel, I was ready to hit the sack with the thought of another 12 hours train ride weighing heavily on my mind.

Well that's it for another series of my trilogy articles. Have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

"When I praise you and it sounds genuine, you should really be watching out for that knife in the back"
Minga

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