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As if 2001 wasn't big enough already, Uncle Dave is back to give all those hoping to qualify at Regionals the Straight Dope. You've scoured the web, you've found little hidden strategy sites in Eastern Europe, you've tapped into ECHELON and sucked the collated wisdom of American Pros from their wizened (look it up...) brains. But that's all for nothing, because you're about to find out - like you do every year - what the *real* story of Regionals is going to be. Or, at least, what it *would* be if you, your mates, and your opponents this weekend hadn't read this latest installment of The Poisoned Chalice.

While I don't often recap previous years (the record of The Poisoned Chalice in defining the world-wide metagame come Regionals stands on its own), it is worth reflecting for a moment on this time last year (give or take a month or two). Ankh of Mishra was the card back then, Ankh-Tide was the combo, and Pirates were the way to back it up and turn a two-bit combo into a powerhouse. Despite a couple of Australian attempts at ignoring this advice - and with at least one player of such a half-emasculated deck making the Finals of AusNats2K speaking volumes about how powerful the whole damn thing would have been - it was left to a Dane by the name of Martin Beck to See The Light and take the Chalice Deck straight to Worlds-2000 from the Final of the Danish Nationals. Let that be a lesson to those who doubt The Word of Dave! :-)

But we are digressing - there are players out there with not much left in the way of fingernails, waiting to see if I leak their Secret Tech this year. Again, for some :-) There are even rumours that some players tried to out-Poison the metagame themselves, by playing decks that could only have come from these pages over the last week or two. Where they get the idea that publication of a deck idea in this annual article immediately erases it from consideration, *I'll* never know!

So, Dear Readers, what I propose to do this year is *not* talk about The Best Deck In The Format - because, after all, we've all already worked out what takes out Rebels, Fires, Skies and UW without even breaking into a sweat. No, this year the Poisoned Chalice goes one step deeper into the game-within-the-game, by revealing the deck which *beats* Turbo-Obliterate!!

So how *do* you deal with a powerhouse that packs Obliterates, Jokulhaups's, burn, and the Vampirics to get them? Do you deal with the Nether Spirits? No, because Billy-Bob-the-Burning-'Bliterate-Boy will just aim fire at your skull. You target it where it's weakest: somewhere around the middle of its thirty-odd double-mana lands.

After all, for the most part these mana-accelerating lands (and heck, you're going to sac them to the Oblit/Jokul/15-point-Fire anyway, so who cares about the downside?) come into play *tapped*. So, hit Billy-Bob where it hurts the most: in his upkeep step, where you tap a couple of your own lands and say, "Hey, Billy-Bob....were *you* around when Mirage-block constructed was big?". The beauty of today's environment, of course, is that you don't just have Boomerang: you've got Hoodwink and Recoil as well!

So how do we make a deck around this? Some scribes might suggest Warped Devotion is one way to go, and this is without doubt the powerhouse version, capable of winning won games with an ease seldom seen before. Your current correspondent, however, believes in taking the Zen of Magic one step further: since the Warped Devotion deck must be able to win if it doesn't get to draw or keep a Warped Devotion, then why not make a Warped Devotion deck with the Warped Devotions?!

I'll give you a moment to digest that. I realise it's earth-shattering.

...

Right, that's enough, wake up. You've got a deck to build, trade-for, and write up before Regionals! Oh, yeah, and playtest, but I don't think there's time for that now. Or the need, really...trust me :-)

So what else can we do? Well, Pirates would be a great way to go, but we did that last year and it displays a real lack of imagination to compete with the same deck at Regionals two years running. So, we'll keep moving down the line. One problem we're going to run into is that while all this bounce is good, sooner or later it runs out, and the net-decking twit across the table starts sneering about "card advantage" and "delaying tactics" and "waste of time" and "Go Dons", and similar mindless platitudes. How do you wipe the smile from their dial? Here's a hint: it starts with "Yawgmoth", and it ain't his Edict. Who cares if you "waste" a card the first time? It's coming back again later, isn't it?

"But Dave", I hear you say, "How the *&#$(* does this deal with Obliterate???". Have faith, Dear Reader. I'm getting to that. Billy-Bob can't really play his Oblits and Jocks (!) if they're in the graveyard, now, can he? Well, unless he's playing Agenda as well, and how silly would that be? So get them before they get you; and for that, you need discard, where in today's environment it's hard to go past Addles and Rats. For the times when you Just Want To Say No - and you just want to Say It Once - remember those Lobotomy's. Not that Billy-Bob would notice, of course, but hey...when every good idea he has gets bounced back then excised from existence, he'll run out sooner than he otherwise might have :-)

And with Agenda and smart play, you could conceivably Lobotomise eight threats and win by decking - reminiscent of an old deck which won by recursive Cap/Lobo :-) Speaking of "smart play", remember that you can play all sorts of graveyard-refilling tricks as long as you have just one Boomerang in your graveyard. Bounce Agenda from the grave, and the Agenda ends up back in your hand while the Boomerang ends up back in the graveyard - ready to be used next time after you toss some more cards in after it, and recast the Agenda! It's endless - The Boomerang That Never Dies!! If you want a headstart on the graveyard-refilling bit, you could even use Recoil on your own Agenda :-)

So that's just about our deck. The bones look something like this:

Boomerang(4), Recoil(4), Wash Out(2), Counterspell(4), Spite/Malice(2), Nightscape Familiar(4), Ravenous Rats(4), Addle(4), Lobotomy(2) Yawgmoth's Agenda(2), Vampiric Tutor(2), Fact or Fiction(3), Swamp(9), Island(12), Salt Marsh(3)

SIDE: Perish(3), Massacre(3), Misdirection(3), Cremate(3), Millstone(1), Lobotomy(1), Wash Out(1)

For those who don't trust themselves enough to win with just Rats and Familiars, feel free to toss in the Vehicle Of Destruction of your choice - the Silent Voice of the Sage has suggested anything from Zanam Djinns to Dromar/Crosis to Evil Eyes of Orms-by-Gore for this task. Other more worldly Sages have suggested cards like Undermine and Underground River...but they're obviously both rich, and have some unhealthy fascination with "Under", so we'll leave them to their own devices.

As an added bonus, of course, the above deck deals Very Nicely Thank You Very Much with those now second-tier decks discussed above - you know, the ones everyone *used* to play, with their Lieutenants, Blastoderms, Airships and Moats. What more could you ask for?!

Time to playtest, maybe? Ah, but that's in short supply right now, isn't it? :-( One day, I'll learn to write this article three weeks out from Regionals, so that people can see Just How Good These Decks Really Are....but then again, time is precious :-)

As always, Dear Reader, I sign off with these words: *you* might think it's crap...but can *your* deck beat it reliably? Really? Maybe you should test against it some more....

"Vessel? Pestle? Err...no, no, the flagon with the dragon...no, hold on, I remember, it's the chalice with the palace, that's it!" - 2001 Regionals aspirant, nameless

Regards,