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“ Men at Werk ”
By Minga Wong.

“Things have a funny way of coming full circle when you live long enough. I remember spending countless hours as a child trying to convince my mother to let me out and play with the other boys. Twenty years later, I find myself in the exact same positions asking for my misses' permission instead. For someone who doesn't play any Trading Card Games (TCGs), it is difficult for her to understand why I would spend every Tuesday and Thursday flipping cardboards when we could be doing stuff together. I guess being away one Sunday a month and the 3 interstate/overseas trips I make to attend tournaments can put a strain on her understanding.

  One of the beauties (and flaws) about women is that most of them would take an interest in what their partner do and try to be part of it because they believe (falsely) that couples should do everything together. Any man who has been to window shopping with their partner would know what I am talking about. Men, on the other hand, understands that no matter how close you are, you needed time with the boys, so you have a niche in your life where you don't have to worry about what you just said and not give a stuff about other people's feelings. This is why I was horrified when she said to me “You know what? This game sounds fun. Perhaps you can teach me how to play so we can travel to these tournaments together?”

  Though it was phrased as a question, I don't think she was asking for my consent.

  Can you imagine bringing your misses to a TCG tournament? It would be like to taking mum, except your mum won't get ogled by a room full of teenage boys unless she is a MILF. I must admit, in a lot of ways, I am still living in the stone-age when a man would find it unacceptable for a woman to best him in something that he is good at. I can laugh and smile and pretend that it is not a big deal but deep inside my heart, I would be humiliated to the bones. With friends as reassuring as mine, I am sure that such defeat would be recorded as an epic event in TCG history and the story posted on various Web sites.

  Of course I am not stupid enough to let her know my fears. I am past the age when I thought I am doing my misses a favor by being honest with her. I remember this one time when I suggested to her that she might enjoy some exercise once in a while and I almost didn't live to regret it. The lesson I learned from that day was: Most people already know what their deficiencies are and they would thank you with an F for elaborating on it.

  It is often said that the best lies are those that have 90% of truth in it and so that is what I am going to say to her. I would say, darling, despite all of your good intentions, you simply would not enjoy one of these trips with us. When my friends and I travel, we have a tendency to have tedious conversations about cards and make quotes from various Star Wars movies. Whilst we are talking we must also be on our guard because all it takes is one slip of tongue and you would be raped by gay jokes and sexual innuendos until the end of time. Luke.B and Minga.W are notorious for making such comments and they carry on like they never graduated from primary school.

  As boring as the traveling is, it has nothing on the accommodation. Most of these accommodations are only hotels by name but communal by nature. Sharing a shower with 20 other people is something that happens often and the state of the toilets reminds me of something that came out of a Stephen King novel. If god forbids you should share a room with Mr. Cstud, well… I hope you don't mind people gardening at night with chainsaws. The only thing we don't have to share are our bed but only because of the said gay jokes and innuendos.

  Then there is the food. I cannot stress how many meals we skip while we are on tour. I would recommend anyone who wants to loose weight to come on one of these trips with us except I realized how many of us remained… corpulent*. I guess there are people in this world who can gain weight just by looking at a cheese burger and these trips are not enough to undo such a curse.

  However, for us normal human beings, we try to wake up early enough to get a full breakfast whenever we can because we know that we won't be having lunch thanks to incompetent tournament organizers. Even when they do have food in the convention centre, they are usually comprised of dried up meat pies or hard chewing rolls sold at the price of caviar. Dinner usually starts after eight and by that time most restaurants are already closed, especially when you travel to provincial states like Canberra . Most gamers are not too concerned about missing dinner though because they are usually too busy drafting in their rooms.

  What? You are surprised that people would actually draft after 10 hours of gaming? Well for gamers, draft is the substitute for sex and one simply cannot have enough of it. All it takes is 2 guys and a flat surface and before you can say “chair” they would be romping on it like a pair of dogs. As a more discreet person, I find it embarrassing when my companions start doing it in public places like bus stops, cafes and McDonalds. Not only does it draw a crowd of curious children but you also get the occasional comment like “are they playing poker?” Against a backdrop of deeply satisfying moans like “mise”, “rip” and “GG” it is almost enough to give a man nightmares, provided that he doesn't have to share a room with Mr. Cstud.

  If these trips are as unsavory as I described, then why would I still go you ask? This is a question that I often ask myself and the answer is this: When I am on these gaming trips I don't have to be anyone but myself. I am not required to be the employee at work or my father's son. I am obligation free when I am away and I can do whatever my heart desires. It is a luxury that few can afford in a world full of loans and mortgages.

  The competition is another reason why I attend these tournaments as I feel alive when I put decision into action and proves that my skills are superior compare to others. I was once told that this competitive streak is common among men but rare among women, which explains why drop out beauty queens always claims that it is the “experience” that matters and not the winning.   So there you have it, there are neither wild drunk parties nor lap dances when we go on tour. What we have is a couple of guys, a lot of dead trees and a golden gay time. As the saying goes “absence makes the heart grow fonder” and by being away, I can appreciate you more upon my return. Ok, so that is the story, I hope she would understand. Short of that I'd have to buy something from Tiffany, which means I won't be able to afford that set of cards I wanted… ”

*Corpulent means fat

Extracted from the Secret Diaries of Mr. Verderjerk (alias)  

Fabricated by Minga Wong

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